This one is lengthy, and some of you will be reading things you already know. However, I’ve made new friends here in Germany, and feel that I should share my testimony with them as well…
I can’t believe it has happened. For years, I was always secretly upset by women who got pregnant without “trying”. Even after I had Brodie, it still got to me a little. It was something I tried to give to God of course, but the green-eyed monster can rear its ugly head at the least expected times. Yet here we are, PREGNANT! Part of me doesn’t want to be in the “we weren’t trying” group, because I know how it hurts those who were like me. Yet the bigger part of me knows that this is God’s blessing for MY family, and I will be thankful and rejoice.
Now according to doctors, one may say that I was, indeed, trying because I wasn’t on any contraceptive. To that I laugh. I have not been on contraceptives since I got married, save for the time after having Brodie until the past December. So why did I come off and not consider myself as trying? Well, the truth is, I didn’t want to try. It hurts emotionally, as any infertile woman can tell you. I wanted to be lazy and just go straight to a fertility specialist, which I waited for with Brodie until we had been trying for over 3 years. The problem with going straight to a fertility specialist is, well, you can’t. Not in the military anyway. You need a referral. In order to get the referral, you have to prove that you have been “trying” for at least 9-12 months. We wanted the referral at the end of this year, so we went off of contraceptives in December to start the “wait”. You also are supposed to have fertility charts to present for the referral. I was going to alter the dates and reuse my charts from trying to have Brodie. Yup, that’s how much I didn’t want to try on my own.
In my prayer journal I have the names of several close women to me who are trying to start families (FYI, I have had the great honor of crossing off one of the names!). However, I did not have my name on the list, because like I said, I wasn’t trying. When February rolled around, the request that I wrote in my journal was not to get pregnant. Rather, I asked God to prepare my body and Chris’ (after all, I wasn’t the only one with fertility issues) to expand our family according to God’s will. I always kept in mind that God may want me to have a child that is not necessarily biologically mine, so I was open to that blessing as well. I asked for a strong, God-centered marriage, and a marriage where love, in every sense of the word, was easily witnessed and felt by our son, Brodie.
It wasn’t even a month after I wrote and prayed those words that my body started to act like something was going on. The smells, the nausea. I was sooooo in denial, because that can’t happen to me right? And God laughed. I can doubt myself and my body all day long, but don’t for one second question what God can do. He wonderfully and fearfully made my body, just as He did Chris’ and Brodie’s, and now He was ready to show me how He can do it again.
If I thought I was denial, Chris was in ultra-denial. He alluded to the fact that I was a little mental, and that I used to talk myself into believing I was pregnant when I was trying to have Brodie. My argument to that was that I wasn’t looking to be pregnant this time as I was so desperately doing then! When I started craving cantaloupe, one of my least favorite fruits, I knew something was up. I took a test in a hurry on the day I was leaving for my PWOC (protestant women of the chapel) conference on March 27. I knew we would be loading up on coffee, so I wanted to be safe just in case. There I was, rushing around packing, when I looked down and saw the word that I could never seem to get years before: “pregnant” (as an aside, I would like to add that I hate that particular test. It was the only name brand they had at the store, but I knew I would question the results of a generic test. Why do I hate it? There is nothing worse than for a woman who is trying to get pregnant than to put these words in her face: NOT PREGNANT. It hurts, so I would always stick to the plus/minus tests.)
Anyway, my mind was spinning. When I suspected I may be preggers, I thought that if I found out, I would tell Chris in some cute, creative way that I’ve read about in magazines. Well, it didn’t quite happen like that. It was more like, gulp, gulp again, wipe the smile of my face so that I can act cool. Then I walked into the livingroom. Stinkin’ smile! I just couldn’t wipe it off my face. Then I broke into a laugh. I said, “I’m pregnant.” Chris responds with “What? Wait, hold on. I wasn’t ready! What? Are you sure? I didn’t know you took the test! What? Wait? Are you kidding?” I wish I could have had a camcorder. It was hilarious. Then in his normal witty self he said something about never thinking HE would have to consider a vasectomy, given our past!
So, how do I feel now? While I’m used to the idea now, I’m still amazed when I think back to the challenges of trying to have Brodie. I smile when people say, “See, you just needed to relax.” Um, no. That’s what you say to folks who don’t know why they have trouble conceiving. Chris and I knew exactly what our problems were, I didn’t ovulate and he had a low sperm count (yes, I had permission to write that, in order for folks to understand God’s working in our lives…yes, it may be TMI, but who am I to question God?).
I remember the first time I received Clomid when trying to have our first child. I thought I was going to see a bunch of eggs on the ultrasound monitor, like Kate from Jon&Kate Plus 8 (Kate also has PCOS, which is what both my sister and I have. She also did IUI, not IVF). What did I see? One measly egg. And guess what? It wasn’t big enough. I had to get hormone shots to make it grow, then grow some more. Finally it was time to release the egg, but that little egg didn’t want to release on its own! I had to take a different hormone to make the egg release so we could do the IUI! This “egg hand-holding” (for lack of better description) continued for three months. Each month my prayer was the same, just to get pregnant. By the fourth month, I was worn out. I was exhausted, mentally and even physically from years of trying. I lost the weight the doctors told me to, I ate what they told me to, and now I’m doing every thing I possibly can to get pregnant. What’s wrong? That month my prayer changed to a desperate, “just let your will be done Lord.” Lo and behold, I made two eggs that month. Encouraged by the positive news, I prayed such a long prayer on the day of our IUI. I uplifted each step of the process (there are many), each person involved, etc. I asked for God to strengthen Chris’ faith. I prayed that God would show Chris that He is there with us. I specifically prayed for an increase in Chris’ sperm count (TMI again, I know, sorry). That day did not go well at first. Chris and I were bickering, there was traffic, and then Chris forgot the things he needed to give the doctor. When we finally got in the room, I asked the doctor about the sperm count. My heart was beating so hard. He looked at it and said, actually, the sperm count was pretty high this time. Pretty high means it doubled! Wow! Is God great or what?! I knew I was pregnant when my emotions that month weren’t of excitement but anxiety. I prayed to be a parent for so long, yet when I thought it was really going to really happen, I felt so humbled and unworthy to receive such a blessing. Indeed I was pregnant, and now have my beautiful little Brodie.
I digress. Not really. I needed to tell that testimony. I would be remiss to receive this current blessing without lifting up God and His grace by showing what our family went through, and where we now are.
So, for the specifics you may be waiting on: I’m 14 weeks and feeling the baby, though he/she is “softer” than Brodie was, who mostly kicked me the whole time. This time I’m feeling the flutter I read about; again, with Brodie it was always kicks, even at 14 weeks, which was when I first felt him. Everything is different this time around. I can eat healthy food, sleep all day, I vomited more (since subsided), and my glucose is an issue. I’m doing four finger sticks a day until the endocrinologist is satisfied with my results (almost a month now I’ve been doing them). I’m gaining weight faster 
and showing earlier, both normal for secondary pregnancies. The due date is early December, anywhere from the 3rd-7th. It’s hard to know because we are clueless as to the conception date and my cycles aren’t normal. The baby will be born in beautiful, historic Trier, Germany. Google it! It is rich with Roman history.
Okay, that’s a mouthful. And to all the family and friends we drove crazy last time by waiting to find out the gender, we will find out this time. Hopefully we’ll be able to see the baby’s gender at our next appt, June 26. I’ll be 17 weeks, so still early. Luckily I get an ultrasound at every appointment, so if we miss it this time, we’ll know soon enough. At some point they switch to 3D ultrasounds. I would love for June’s appt to be in 3D…then we would know for sure, given the baby lets us sneak a peek!
Thank you to all those who have prayed for us. God is blessing our family left and right. We are thankful. For those of you still trying, open your hearts to God and allow Him to show you things to need to change in preparation for a child. I honestly believe that if a family truly seeks the Lord’s will, lives in His word, and deeply desires to have a child, God will bless them with one, whether that means biologically or via adoption, surrogacy, etc. Be open to God’s will and seek it for your life. Don’t close doors on the different ways God can bless you. I’ll be praying for you.
Hoop!
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